General Discussion - Spouse in complete control of finances - what can I do? - Canada

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RE: Spouse in complete control of finances - what can I do?

Postby mermaid94 » Sun Jan 10, 2010 06:27:29 PM

Average Joe - we may need to agree to disagree.

I do appreciate your feedback but I think you over generalize.
No two people are alike and you can not really judge their character over the internet.

People have different personalities to consider and habits.

My finances are very much in order outside of that new thing I learned called utilization.

My spouse is disinterested because he does not find this interesting but has committed to saving money.

The difference is the little things. It is not like he wants to go out and buy a Harley - more like he like a few too many trips to Starbucks and the bookstore. He does not see how this adds up because he does not really examine the papers.

It is not a big deal. Again, this is not escalating to fighting. I told him why it is important and he agreed. Not really a big deal.

We do communicate well.
The thing is when I get my mind on something I cut way down on spending - most people make less concessions. It alters our lifestyle significantly and sometimes we need to take a step back and get off the Mr. Noodle.

I am fairly prepared for the house. I have a down payment and closing costs. Just getting down that utilization we talked about...

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RE: Spouse in complete control of finances - what can I do?

Postby montyloree » Sun Jan 10, 2010 11:42:26 AM

mermaid... agreed... it's all about communications.. and that can take years sometimes... thanks for telling your story
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RE: Spouse in complete control of finances - what can I do?

Postby average_joe » Sun Jan 10, 2010 11:11:18 AM

If you can not get your spouse to see the full picture then your finances will never be in order. The reason your spouse is not interested in looking after the fiancés is, they want to spend the money instead of saving. If you’re planning to buy a home then you need to learn financial responsibility before you buy it.
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RE: Spouse in complete control of finances - what can I do?

Postby mermaid94 » Sun Jan 10, 2010 10:00:28 AM

I think this site is excellent but often online communication can be poorly communicated or misinterpreted.

I felt connected to the persons first post. I told my story.
I am not perfect and I try to be less controlling re: finances. My spouse is not aware of the full picture. I have offered to let him look after it but he is not interested.

Once in a while there is friction as there is with most couple re: various issues (finances being common and yes causing marital breakdown).
That is not where we are.
I just think communication and transparency are the best answer and as was eariler posting examining goals and how to get to them
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RE: Spouse in complete control of finances - what can I do?

Postby mermaid94 » Sun Jan 10, 2010 09:36:17 AM

The other thing which was to be the focus of my first post is that it is essential there is no hypocrasy.

What I recomended was that the person look at the finances and ensure if their spouse is saying there is not enough funds - she too is not spending on the things she is calling her spouse out for.
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RE: Spouse in complete control of finances - what can I do?

Postby mermaid94 » Sun Jan 10, 2010 09:34:18 AM

Thanks average Joe - I concur. Again, I am a social worker for couples.

What I indicated is that my money issues were minor and they are comparatively. They don't escalate more than me sighing or my spouse rolling his eyes and then we communicate.

I responded to this post because I connected to it.

What I recommended was transparency between the couple.

Problems begin when there is too much power within one individual. I have indicated I too have that.
I do however think there are cases where it is best for one individual to handle finances - the person who is most interested or knows the most about this.
HOWEVER - transparency is key. If the other person fells victimized the situation should be assessed by looking over the finances and coming up with an agreement. Person two should have access to the info so it is fair.

In my case when my tuition was due it became a problem because we had less funds at that time.
When I say it was a problem it did not escalate at all.

While yes this can lead to divorce there are many different levels.

We do not fight about this.

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RE: Spouse in complete control of finances - what can I do?

Postby average_joe » Sun Jan 10, 2010 09:19:33 AM

Money issues are not minor and people have split up or got divorced over it.
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RE: Spouse in complete control of finances - what can I do?

Postby mermaid94 » Sun Jan 10, 2010 09:14:30 AM

The moneymart and lack of bank account thing would have been the only red flag.

My spouse is an extroadinary person. He was not fiscally resposible in his twenties. He is now forty. The circumstances have changed.

As per our disputes. As I said they are pretty minor. Only really occur during certain times when money is an issue. Because I look after the budget/finances he is not at all aware of it.
So when a month comes where money is tight and he wants to buy something and I say it is not a good time because tuition is due usually, he will react with "but you bought this two months ago." However two months ago tuition was not due.
It is the timeliness of the issue.

Right now we are saving for a house. Not really saving - we have the money for a down payment. We are combating my credit utilization. The issue is it was at 46% and then I lowered a limit - big opps but I got it back down to 60% so I hope to recover.

I agree that spouses need to unite regarding money but this is problematic when one person looks after the bills or when there are combating priorities.

Again, I work with people on this professionally but the people I work with have much harsher economic realities.

This is not really an ongoing problem in my relationship - just one that pops up occassionally. I just connected to the other poster.
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RE: Spouse in complete control of finances - what can I do?

Postby montyloree » Sun Jan 10, 2010 11:40:58 AM

Hey mermaid,
have you set common money goals?

Do you respect each others money goals? That's probably what it really comes down to... you want to pay off bills, and your spouse wants to buy things. that's a huge conflict..

I'm sure the resolution is going to be unique for each couple... money is a finite resource if you're working jobs. you have to develop a money situation that both can agree on... other wise you'll probably continue to disagree :)

Just my 2 cents worth
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RE: Spouse in complete control of finances - what can I do?

Postby average_joe » Sun Jan 10, 2010 08:15:54 AM

If you meet someone and they don't have a bank account and they use money mart, that is a red flag and run the other way lol.

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